How to Avoid the “Big Fight”

I don’t think we’d been married for 6 months when it happened. And all I remember was feeling like I was repeating myself over and over with no acknowledgement of what I was saying.

My wife and I had just finished our budget meeting and were fighting. She was still new to the “zero balanced budget” concept and trying to understand the purpose of saving all our money to one category vs dividing it across multiple areas.

As I laid the numbers out, I tried to show her the math behind the logic. But she couldn’t see it. And because she couldn’t see it, I felt like she didn’t believe me. Instead, he continued to question what I already knew was the answer. And it blew up.

After the fact, we realized how we had each handled the conversation poorly and since then have continued to adjust how we communicate to each other about money. But that fight was a learning lesson for sure.

As men, we want to be respected and acknowledged. When we make a decision, we don’t like to be questioned. And when we know we’re right, we object and defend any other thought process.

Women often comprehend and process differently. And as a result, need a better explanation than we can give it at times. This can lead to conflict because while they are simply trying to understand it, we feel like they don’t trust us. And the fight begins.

Communication is key in any area of marriage. Communication is vital when it comes to your finances. But it goes farther than just making sure each person knows what the other is doing. Communication is about understanding how to relate and respond to the other person. It’s learning how to adjust our thought process and our vocabulary to meet the other where they are.

My wife and I were in agreement about the budgeting tactic, but we didn’t understand the logic the same way. The biggest lesson learned from that fight was that a question isn’t always a challenge. And I still fight that sentiment today. But learning how my wife thinks has taught me how to adjust my tone and language (when I think about it) to communicate better to her. And it’s taught me to hear what she is really asking, not just what she is saying.

As you go throughout your marriage and work together to manage your money, stay in tune with your spouse and their feelings about money. Learn to understand how they think, adjust your dialogue to answer their question and don’t take offense when they don’t get it the first time. I’ve learned it’s a never ending process and I keep getting a little better each time.

Since communication is so key, don’t feel bad about reaching out for help in that area. If you’re struggling to connect with your spouse about money or feel like you can’t get on the same page, let’s get together. I can help you overcome the language barrier, understand the emotion and find a solution that brings you together. Schedule a phone call to get started and we’ll discuss the plan that will help you avoid the “big fight”!