3 Things You Won’t Realize Until You’re Married
My brother recently became engaged. Which means miracles do still happen! Just kidding, but he and the rest of the family have anxiously been awaiting for this and are very happy for him. And it’s made me think about what life is like at that stage. As I visited with him recently, I couldn’t help but remember how I felt about money and relationships then vs. now. So I want to share some of the tips and insight I think is important for engaged couples.
The first tip is to be sure you and your future spouse have the same understanding about money and managing finances. This is HUGE and it’s one of the leading causes of marriage fights and divorce. If you can’t agree on how to handle money, how to spend money and how to relate to money, your marriage and your life will undergo enormous amounts of stress.
Sometimes we think that because we believe a certain way about money or have certain spending/saving habits, that our future spouse will have the same mindset. But it’s not always true. So it’s important to have a discussion around topics such as budgeting, debt, saving, retirement, spending, etc. Make sure you agree on if/when to tithe. Be sure you both have the same hesitation or excitement around large purchases. Because if you don’t, someone will always be in trouble and you will never fully agree on how to spend, save and manage your money.
But remember, just because you have the same mindset doesn’t mean you have to completely agree 100% of the time. Compromise can be a good thing. A good marriage is built upon balancing each other out. We each need someone to keep us grounded and safe from bad decisions, but we also need someone to stretch us out of our comfort zone at times. So if we’re a super saver, it can be good to have someone willing to spend money sometimes. And if we like buying things, having a proactive saver is very beneficial.
The second tip is to not make any big changes right before you get married or within your first year of marriage. This applies to houses, jobs, kids (if possible), and anything else that affects your finances, lifestyle or routine in a significant way. I say this because your life is already undergoing a significant change by getting married. No longer are you responsible for and accountable to only yourself. You now have another human who you must protect, love, agree with, live with and appreciate for all their fame and flaws. And as soon as the “honeymoon phase” is over, real life sets in. The good, bad and ugly. They have to handle life together. You have to handle each other IN your life. And that is enough change in itself.
My brother was considering a career change before getting married. It would cause him to go into debt and limit his income for the first year or two. I told him that wasn’t smart when he already had a consistent job and he didn’t know what life would look like once he got married.
You need stability as a newly married couple. You need to save money and be able to make money. You need as little stress as possible. So I caution you against buying a new house, getting a new job or having kids until you start married life and figure out what life will actually look like!
My third tip is to be independent. Especially when it comes to finances. There’s a difference between family giving you money, land, vehicles, etc and loaning it to you. And while it seems like a great and convenient option to have someone you know give you a really good deal on buying an asset or funding your purchase, it will completely change your relationship with them. When you borrow with the expectation of paying back, you are now in debt to family. And now every decision you make can be subject to judgement because you owe them money. The conversation changes, the family dinner changes and the way you treat each other changes. They expect you to pay it back and that will always be looming above until you make the final payment.
Never, under any circumstances should you borrow from family in this manner. My in-laws were gracious enough to gift us down payment money for our house as a wedding present. But we had no intention of accepting their offer to finance the purchase for us to avoid the bank. Keeping family and finances separate is a fundamental principle to start your marriage on the right foot.
So if you’re recently engaged or you’re almost to your wedding day, I hope you will take this advice and insight to heart and start your marriage with the best of intentions and decisions. Your life with your future spouse is going to be grand and glorious, complete with its share of trials and struggles. But when you are of one mind and take to heart the areas that will bring you closer together or make life more stressful, you make better decisions and live with more joy, happiness and peace.
By the way, if you need help getting started on the right foot, or want to get some areas fixed before you “get too deep”, I’m here to help. I specialize in young adults and have a passion for helping you create a legacy you’re proud of. Schedule a call and we’ll visit about your dreams, goals and passions to create a plan for winning!